We Shall Rise

This is my first post for a few days as I’ve been working all weekend and I’ve been completely dead. So it’s given me a lot of food for thought. In fact I’ve had lots of time to think about things while I’ve been grafting my bum off. 

Having a job in the hospitality industry means I meet so many different people day in day out. Some I interact with for a few minutes, some it’s just a smile and a hello or a thank you. I often think about how many people I must see in one long shift or even short ones. I can guarantee that I speak for many people doing the same job as me when I say that we meet the weird and the wonderful. Working in hospitality for as long as I have means I definitely have some stories to tell and it does make me question the minds of some people it really does. But that’s not what I want to talk about today, however that would be a good idea for another post because I could go on for hours! 

The thing that I’ve noticed the most though over the past few days is how I compare myself to everyone that walks through the door. “Oh she is so much prettier than me”, “I wish my hair was like that” , “I wish I had those legs.” I’ve not had one day where I’ve not had a thought similar to those I’ve just mentioned. It’s exhausting really that I can’t walk down the street, go to a shop or go to a bar and not look at someone else and wish I looked more like them and not like me. And do you know what, thats so harsh. I know that I’m not the only who does this. And like I’ve mentioned in my previous posts, it’s the worst thing you can do.

Not a day goes by that I don’t look in the mirror and think about the things that I don’t like. Just this morning I said “I need to make enough money to get my teeth done.” I put pressure on myself far too often to be a certain way and look a certain way. A lot of the time when people give me compliments I don’t think I even listen, and I’ll remember it later and say “I wish I saw myself through someone else’s eyes” even if it’s just for a few minutes, just so I can see what others see. 

I’ve been so up and down over the past few years with me going through a phase of feeling more confident, starting to regain some love for myself. But then something happens and it disappears again. I see quotes all the time on Pinterest and Instagram etc about loving yourself first and then you attract what you really deserve. I see that does make sense, because I seem to let myself get walked all over and I give people too many second chances. I’m a really bad judge of character and I find it hard to see that I do deserve better. 

I mean I’m not floating my own boat, but I’m not a bad person. I’m just a person that bad things have happened too. And maybe that’s because I’m too forgiving but who knows. I really need to find a back bone and start standing up for myself, instead of letting other people do it for me, or just letting myself get pushed down. 

I often just want to say to someone, “what do you see when you look at me?” But not just my appearance but as a person. Just so that I can recognise the qualities that I do have. This journey to recovery is such a long one, and to anyone that maybe at a similar stage, or at any stage really, just remember that no day is going to be the same. Its such a difficult process. 

It’s really crazy how the human brain works. The thoughts that can go through your head. Everyone completely different but in other ways very much the same. I know that doesn’t make much sense, and I don’t like to be cheesy, but scrolling through quotes on Pinterest and seeing things that explain exactly how you are feeling is quite comforting. Even the cliche quotes you have hung on your bedroom walls.. read them. Understand them. Embrace them. I look at the prints I have on my bathroom wall ‘happy mind, happy life’ and ‘do what you love.’ Does anyone actually read these and pay attention? No? Well, do. 

I sit here right now and I’m playing with things in my head. Will I ever get to the point where I listen to people‘s compliments, will I ever believe what comes out of someone’s mouth? “Oh you look nice today” and my response is “do I?” And then I’ll comment on all the things that are wrong with the way I look today. I’ve actually come to the realisation in the past few days that I bully myself. And I can imagine a lot of people do the same.

One of my previous posts about social media is one that I’ve been trying to read a lot to take my own advice and this is going be another. Mainly because this is quite similar, but instead of comparing myself to unrealistic ideals on social media, I’m comparing myself in the real world. Which is harder. Much harder. But then again is it? 

How do you know that girl sat at that table with her friends isn’t looking at you wishing she had your eyes or your smile? Is anyone actually completely happy with themselves? Do they have nothing they want to change? I can imagine the answer is a big resounding no. 

Changing how your mind works is such a difficult thing to do, and it’s not gonna happen with a click of your fingers. But instead of looking in the mirror and pinpointing all the things you don’t like, why not today pick out the things you do like? Remember that no one is perfect, so stop giving yourself such a hard time. Stop putting pressure on yourself to be your idea of perfect. 

Everyone’s going to have days where they feel more confident, and others when they really don’t. I find that complimenting others, even strangers and seeing their look of pleasant surprise is such a good feeling. Those drunken conversations with girls in bar toilets where you tell each other how amazing you both look. These are so important. You don’t know how much someone may need that right now. You don’t know what demons others are fighting with. 

I’m going to finish with this. I have a quote tattooed on the inside of my arm by author

Maya Angelou, it reads “You can tread me in the very dirt, but still like dust, I rise.” This is by far the most meaningful quote I have, and I do have a few. Just because on bad days I do like to read them and remind myself of their sentiment. But this one hits hard, mainly because, before I have been treating badly, yes. And I’ve risen. That’s true. But the person who is ‘treading me in the dirt’ right now, is me. This a lot more than just being kinder to myself. It’s a lot bigger than that. It’s about getting to a point where I can look at myself and see the good before the bad. And I will get there, we all will. It’s about standing up against yourself and arguing with the negative part of your brain. Build up the power to do that, and help others build it too. And then ‘like dust’ we shall rise.