It Is Time...
I’m unsure whether I am able to do this, and most importantly whether I’m brave enough. I do understand that going deeper would allow people who have experienced similar things to me to speak out, but I’m unsure. Digging up old wounds may do more harm than good. Or it could highlight a strength I didn’t know I had.
There are so many subjects which are hard to speak about, and mental health is only one of them. There is so much that can stem from it. So many kinds of mental health problems, some that even I don’t know much about. But I try to educate myself as much as possible, because I don’t want to be in the dark. I want to try and understand so that we can all stand together.
I don’t want to get any sympathy for speaking out. I really don’t want that because I’m not in the same place anymore. I don’t plaster my feelings all over social media and that’s really not what this is about. More than anything, I’ve realised that the people around you who are trying to help you suffer maybe just as much as you. The night that I was completely honest with my family back when I was 17 was possibly the worst night of my life. I didn’t realise how badly it was going to affect them.
I’m hoping that being completely honest will encourage others to seek the help they need. Even if it’s just one person.
The hardest part about this is that it’s so difficult to explain how you feel. Especially if the person you are speaking too hasn’t experienced anything similar to what you have. I think someone can only truly understand if they have also been through these dark times. The most vital part of this and why I want to share, is because I have come out of the other side. So anyone who feels that things will never get better. They do.
So where do I even start?
I’m not going to go into every single part, and I’m not going to do it all in one blog post. There are things that I will keep to myself that only my family and closest friends will ever know about. But I can at least reveal a little more, allow my blog to be more helpful. That is all I want.
I have suffered from depression since I was 17/18. It originally stemmed from PTSD and it’s been a rollercoaster ever since. I have taken medication all this time and I have recently decided that I no longer need it. This is mainly what I want to discuss in this post.
I have tried various kinds of anti-depressants, and most of you will be familiar with at least one of them. It’s all about finding the right ones that give you the least amount of side effects. You can also have different strengths depending on how severe your mental health is, and what kinds of things you are suffering from.
One thing I’ve found since not taking medication anymore is how much more I can feel. I cry at everything. Adverts, Britain’s got talent, songs, please don’t judge me I’m just emotional! But for so long I found myself to be numb. The medication I was taking was trying to stop me having the dark thoughts I would experience every single day. But also it would take away most of my other feelings as well. I would walk around day to day in some kind of daze. It made me sleepy, I could never sleep enough. I had no energy. Which are also symptoms of depression anyway.
I’m not saying medication is bad, because it’s not. Especially when you have dangerous thoughts and feelings. But I found that there are so many other ways that helped me, and I didn’t want to rely on medication. I found myself panicking if I forgot to take my tablet, causing even more anxiety because I was terrified of the repercussions. I want to identify a few ways that have got me to where I am today.
I did attend counselling. I had cognitive behavioural therapy when I was younger. But I also saw a private counsellor for over a year which stopped just before lockdown. I found that speaking about my problems would lift such a big weight off my shoulders. Listening to myself out loud would also make my thoughts seem so daft sometimes, and I would have no idea where they came from. My counsellor would help me by questioning where my thoughts were coming from, and how relevant they were, which in turn changed how my mind worked. That was the key.
This allowed me to question every thought I had, and eventually dwindle that thought away to nothing. I would also carry a notebook around with me where I would write down my feelings so I could look back on them. I would read them a couple of weeks later and realise how far I had come because I wasn’t even having those thoughts anymore. Getting things out whether that’s talking or writing them down makes such a huge difference. It stops it spinning round and round in your head for days on end.
I also believe so deeply that doing something everyday that you love creates positivity. All you need is one positive thought a day to change your mindset. Start your day as you mean to go on. Read a book, watch your favourite film, go to the gym, listen to your favourite playlist. Focus on something which you thoroughly enjoy.
During lockdown I was so worried that I was going to go backwards rather than forwards so I gave myself something to focus on. I started a diet, started cooking fresh food and exercising everyday. I was really taking care of my body and that in turn took care of my mind as well. Happy body, happy mind, as they say. Looking after yourself needs to be your top priority always. In fact, I don’t see my experience in lockdown as the worst thing. I did what I had to do to keep myself and everyone else as safe as possible. But it also gave me time to reconnect with myself physically and mentally. I tried to use the time I had in the most positive way I could. This was probably the best thing I ever did. I finally put myself first.
I even allowed myself to be comfortable at home. A place that I had to leave this time last year because of the bad memories I had there and the darkness it would make me feel. Luckily I have recently moved, which has been the icing on the cake for me. I feel that I have took a huge step forward and I have left my past locked away in my old house, and I will try extremely hard to never revisit it again. Change for me has actually been a lifesaver, and I say that in the most literal way possible.
You can even make the smallest of changes. Or do something spontaneous. I love getting a new piercing or tattoo, just doing something a little bit wild. Why not redecorate your house? Or change your car? Maybe try a new hairstyle. The list of things you can do are endless, but most importantly if it can create even a little flicker of excitement, then it’s doing the job.
I‘M sure many of you will agree when I say that one of the best therapies is animals. My cats have been amazing for me. They knew when I was at my worst, animals have an instinct and they are there for you. Having their fury little bodies comforting me when I lay awake at night, it’s a very good medicine. You may not be able to get a pet, but there are still ways you can work around that. Volunteer to walk dogs or help at an animal shelter. Animals don’t judge you, they have unconditional love, and in your darkest days, this could be just what you need.
These are only a few things than you can do to start your journey to recovery. I want to discuss so many things and share with you, but I also don’t want to bombard you. This is going to be extremely hard hitting and this is just the start.
This is the first of many posts where I am going to attempt to be as brave as I can be. I want to be open and honest. If I can be open and honest then maybe you will build up the courage to do the same. I no longer want to refer to my problems as my demons, and I no longer want to be vague. It’s so important that I feel no shame in doing this, none of us should feel ashamed.
I am ready to do this, are you?
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