The Possibilities Are Endless

It’s really strange how you see things and the world differently when your happiness starts to return. You see the beauties of the Earth and the possibilities out there for you. You see everything in a completely different light because your eyes are finally opening. There is a part of your brain which has been held prisoner for so long breaking free. 

Songs have new meaning, lifting you up instead of reducing you to tears. Romance films don’t have you curled up in an emotional whirlwind of longing and despair. You don’t wish you were living the life of your favourite characters in tv series or books because you are content in your own. 

Sometimes I don’t even feel like I have been journeying to this point and that each day I’ve been edging closer. In fact it’s more like an all of a sudden moment when you realise, while sat drinking your third glass of Merlot and listening to all those heart wrenching songs, that you don’t feel that hollowness in your chest anymore. That dreaded feeling in the pit of your stomach. The tension in your shoulders. That dark narrow tunnel with no way out is breaking down around you, you are tearing it down with your own bare hands. 

I can see beyond that dark, narrow tunnel. There is a path coming into view, and I am in control of where that path leads too. What do you see? 

Sometimes I have this dream, it’s scary and exciting all at the same time. I’m stood in the middle of a crossroads. But there’s not just 2 or 3 roads I can go down, there are too many. I spin round and more appear. I am so eager, but so reluctant because I don’t know what’s going to be down each one. I feel like that is my waking life too. Dreams always mean something, more so than you can even imagine. 

It’s so good to see possibilities. To envisage what your life may look like in 5 or 10 years. For so long I didn’t see a future for myself. I just tried to get from one day to the next. And now I can look down each different road and begin to see what’s at the end and that is a breakthrough. 

I am trying my best to use my imagination to explain the experience of going through depression, in ways that people may see it more clearly. It’s the only way I know how. It’s really hard to understand it if you haven’t been through it yourself and come out the other side. And those people who have come through the other side are absolute hero’s. Fighting your mind day in day out. Going from hating the skin you are in, and wishing you could be anyone else. To finding peace within yourself. It’s blooming hard.  

No path is easy. But if you focus on something hard enough, you’ll get there. You’ve already come this far. So set out your crossroads. Lay in bed at night and close your eyes. Stand in the middle of that dirt road where all you can see is dust and rubble. Wait. Patiently. See what begins to appear, and build around it. Go to the deepest parts of your mind and think about what you want most. 

I think one of my most vivid paths right now is looking at myself sat on a sofa with a glass of wine surrounded by an array of cats. Would that be so bad? 

I do believe that being able to see the next few years of your life or even months is so unbelievably difficult when you have depression. But if you can, just even making plans for next week. It makes a huge difference. Your story isn’t over and you have so many things to see and do.

One thing that works for me is writing things down, as you can probably tell. But I put down my options on paper. Where I could be in 5-10 years and most importantly where I want to be. It makes things so much more realistic in my eyes, and more achievable. Don’t get me wrong, life happens. Nothing ever goes how you want it to or how you expect it to, but sometimes that’s the beauty of it. 

I am now stuck with the Blazing Squad song  Crossroads in my head after mentioning that little metaphor. It was a good one though I hope you’ll agree. 

Anyway, I am digressing. 

What I am really trying to do is outline all the ways in which I pulled myself out of the worst years of my life and got to where I am now. It may not help everyone because we are all different, but it’s definitely worth a try. Use your imagination and create the story of your future self.  

The possibilities really are endless. The whole idea is that you have options. And I didn’t want to take the option anymore that had me at my absolute lowest. I wanted to live. And that was one of the most important paths that I chose. Please, always choose that. And watch the world open up in front of you. 

But always remember that it’s in your hands, and you have to start walking to get to the end.