I Looked at Myself in the Mirror.,

I looked at myself in the mirror. I counted my fingers and I counted my toes. I studied the strands of my Ash blonde hair. I blinked and blinked to feel the weight of my long, thick eyelashes. I felt the soft carpet beneath my feet and I focused on that, accompanied with a heavy hand on my chest as I felt it rise and fall with each breath I took. 

I captured all the sounds around me, singling out each one as though I had a deep connection with the songs dancing in my ears. I tried with all my might to grasp the furthest tweeting birds and the clink of a neighbours glass. The numerous dogs calling my name and the slightest wind ruffling the leaves of the surrounding trees. I wanted to stay in this moment. This moment of peacefulness, of belonging, feeling completely at one with my body and the entire world around me. 

***

Use your senses, what can you feel, what can you smell, what can you hear. - 

I find that one the best ways to deal with bad days or bad moments is to keep yourself as grounded as possible. Even on the busiest and most hectic of days, just one minute to yourself can make a huge difference. If you feel like you are losing control, losing touch, drifting into your own dark little world, this can bring you back to Earth. 

A lot of mental health experts use this technique, and I was introduced to this by my counsellor a couple of years ago. He said to me that even if it’s 30 seconds before you get into your car in the morning, and you close your eyes and just focus on the sounds you can hear around you, It can make a bad day just that little bit better, it can keep you in control of your mind. 

My family and I suffered a loss over the past week, my wonderful Nan Mellor. People deal with loss in different ways and it can be a really difficult thing to process. For me, the hurt and pain I feel is completely out of my control and I have been slipping into a hole. The grounding technique has been my saviour. One good thing is that I have gotten to a point where I notice the signs of when I’m going to have a bad few days or a bad few weeks. But in this case you have to put yourself first and give yourself the time to heal. There is no shame in taking some time out, and letting yourself go through the grieving process. If you push it down and try to ignore it, the more it will hit you in weeks and months to come. 

In times like these I really do want to run away. Drive far away, go on holiday, or just have a few days somewhere quiet. But with Covid it’s not something that I can really do right now. So, instead, I have decided to ride it out. I am going to let the pain come in waves, I am going to deal with it right now. In the past, this is something I haven’t done, sometimes I have bottled things away and they have exploded down the line way worse than they were before. 

I guess this post is me letting out my feelings because it’s something that I really needed to do. It does help me to vent and express my emotions. It’s also a post to help others who might be going through something similar, and might need some new techniques on how to deal with day to day life. As a matter of fact things should be looking a little big brighter at the moment as the country starts to open back up again, but it’s not something I’m necessarily focusing on right now. Each day has been going by in a bit of a blur, but I’m hoping that everyone who has ventured out into bars and restaurants etc have had a nice time and been as kind as possible to our hospitality workers. 

I apologise for my digression but my mind is round and round and back and forth at the moment. It’s not really working in the most linear form it usually does. Since the beginning of this year, I have been doing so well with drinking less, eating healthily, going to the gym, having a good sleeping pattern.. but this past week it’s most definitely gone out of the window. But the worst thing I could do right now is to feel guilty about it or dwell on it, you can’t be expected to do perfectly all the time, and we all slip from time to time. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one. 

The best way is to do what’s best for you. Do what helps you. Eat it out, cry it out, drink it out. Just don’t lock yourself away too much. Now that we can see each other again and hug, take advantage of that. Let your family and friends hold you. Do what you can to make things seem just that little bit sunnier. Even though the weather is dreadful right now, find the sun where you can. Day by day things will get better. 

I think the best part of this week has been spending as much time as possible with my family. Reminiscing. Laughing at the funny memories and holding onto each other to ride through the pain. Leaning on one another and sharing the grief, remembering that I’m not alone. And finally, talking. Talk talk talk talk talk. A problem shared is a problem halved- and that is one quote I live by. 

To finish of my post I just want to say something that I can’t emphasise enough, and that is LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Whatever it is that you are going through, you need to give yourself the strength, the time and the power to heal and deal with it at your own pace. Your well-being should always be a priority. 

And finally, take a break. We all deserve a break. Just give yourself a break.